brakecrashburn

prayer answered immediately.

i prayed this last night “Take my life, I give it to You. I don’t want to be in control. Lord, help me let go.”

today, i got back my history test(late because i was absent yesterday). and i passed rather well i must say, coincidence? i think not. this is what she said to me(after mrsb had spoken to her) “girl, dont think i’m angry with you. i am very strict with your class…”. and i’m there thinking “…whoever said you were angry with me… oh, i see. mrsb has a sense of humour”. so she’s left thinking that i think she is angry with me and i’m left with my first B for history this year.

the intermediate confusion and disappointment will be well worth what He has waiting for us on the other side of it all.

He’s the name

That at the mention of his name

You see every knee has to bow

Every tongue has to confess

That Jesus Christ is the Lord of all

He is the name which is above all other names.

you have to tell yourself that no storm is too big for God, nothing is ever too big for God. everything will bow in his presence, every being(teacher) will fall in awe of his might.

i have nothing to fear, my God, you are the Lord of all. You already have this taken care of. I have to take my eyes off this problem, stop loathing her very existence and just look to God. I surrender, and i pray that Lord, you will help me to remove my focus off this subject because i’m really wasting my time. you put me on this earth to do greater things, and i know it too well.

help me let go and let You.

why am i even at home? its not like my ears or nose is falling out/my insides are still inside.

today i broke a promise to myself. in the beginning of the year, i told myself i wasn’t going to skip a day of school the whole year but who knows? its not even may and i’m here writing about not going to school.

such a failure, seriously.

and i really should be doing all those overdue essays right now. but i still have the nerve to procrastinate and later i’ll probably complain that i have no time and october’s so close. i’m annoying myself and i feel like slapping myself and biting my lips till they bleed for all i care.

i really dont have the right to be complaining about school since its obviously obligatory and its not like i’m the only one going through this shit. and also its not like i’m the only one with a stuck up busty history teacher who happens to hate the sight of me and fails everything/test/project i do, right? please be nice and say yes.

also, its only the 2nd time trial this year and i’m not attending already. seasons in 2mths or so and biathlon’s on saturday. whats become of me. coach has to submit our events by this week and i’m not there? i’ll probably just end up doing 100 and 200 free again anyway but it always helps to know i’ve improved on my pb. drats.

waves of (positive) emotion overwhelm as i finally feel like this storm is being tamed (by God alone of course). mrsb is going to talk to her tomorrow because she says its ridiculous and overly demanding of her to make me stay back for h_____y remedial while i’m supposed to be swimming. whats also comforting is the fact that she said “no, its between me and her now because she wants you to skip swimming and i’m very upset”. ha ha ha. always and forever mrsb. and when i whine and whine, she just listens and goes “tsk” in disapproval(of HER of course). hehe. i’m so blessed because i’ve got you to keep my love for h_____y going and to remind me to just ignore her and look to God.

i’ve also finally got an anti remedial supporter. (because getting 3 hours of sleep really is too ‘much’) okay, enough ranting, emath is calling/crying/screaming.

hoorah. i am going to try to psycho myself into loving this life/school/year.

i mean dont we all love the odd judgmental teacher here and there to add those few comments to make us just think about life and how we are all so foolish and just so inferior to them in every way, right? also, remedials should totally be compulsory to everyone, annoyingly smart and overly earnest… or not. also, dont we all just love the Os, i mean they’re totally necessary, and should really decide whether we’re failures in life from the point when we turn 16. and we do not deserve another chance, since at 15, we’ve peaked and afterwards we just slowly waste away and at 30 become so white and wrinkly we’d might as well kill ourselves. whoopie! life is so damn good.

hoorah. i am going to try to psycho myself into loving this life/school/year.

i mean dont we all love the odd judgmental teacher here and there to add those few comments to make us just think about life and how we are all so foolish and just so inferior to them in every way, right? also, remedials should totally be compulsory to everyone, annoyingly smart and overly earnest… or not. also, dont we all just love the Os, i mean they’re totally necessary, and should really decide whether we’re failures in life from the point when we turn 16. and we do not deserve another chance, since at 15, we’ve peaked and afterwards we just slowly waste away and at 30 become so white and wrinkly we’d might as well kill ourselves. whoopie! life is so damn good.

at your call i would surrender;

at your call i’d give my all;

at your call i’d tell the world of your amazing love.

Jesus you are the greastest;

You are the Lord of all.

“God forgets all out sins and transgressions but never forgets it whenever we give to Him, no matter how little”

it rekindles my faith to know that my Lord cancels (any kind of)debt supernaturally and even leaves leftovers. and this week, i can expect bountiful blessings to “anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over”. hooray for weekday eves. to a miracle harvest.

today, i bought a bowl of meesiam(w dri) which costed fourdollars because testimonials count. we ate literally 5 noodles and left the bowl in the canteen. urgh, what has become of myself. disgusting, disgusting.

all of my hope is found in you.

all of my days belong to you.

glory to God in the highest

power and strength to your name

heaven and earth will proclaim you Lord of all

blessed be your name Jesus

i’m not ready to lose you yet. but in everything, may God’s will be done.

in everything that’s said and done

let my life honour you.

its beginning to seem impossible. greater expectations(of myself),and a timetable packed with tiring duties and responsibilities that sometimes just cant be carried out. overwhelming pressure and stress, a looming deadline for jc applications, tests that do not seem to stop coming, homework like we have nothing better to do, training like boot camp, competitions so that my applications will look better, and somehow teachers seem to believe that my life is so mundane so they try to spice it up. how egggcitingly wonderful.

if only testimonials were written by God.