God speaks

i don’t know what to think. if i’d achieved the set of results i did for this common test last year, i’d probably on top of the world right now. i don’t know why i’m expecting so much from myself now, i’m actually beating myself up over not getting an A+ (i missed by 0.67% ). i didn’t even take this subject for the Os and i think i’m actually doing way better than people who did but……. why . ok, so to make matters worse, today i woke up at 8.10…when i was supposed to be in school at 8 to deliver my final project for my IS module. So i cabbed to school and stuff feeling quite awful already and just so you know, my presentation didn’t go well… in fact it went horribly and grrr the normal me would still be smiling and skipping about because i would’ve forgotten about the whole incident already but nooooo. i feel quite gross now because i keep picturing my gpa and how this is gonna ‘dramatically’ affect it.

enough about that, i just stopped typing to ask God why i’m feeling this way, why this is happening and He just reminded me “when things don’t turn out the way you want them to, my child. know that i’m still there and that you’re living out the magnificent plan i had for you even before you knew you existed.” then being my demanding self i asked God to tell me something new, something i’d never heard. He said “no, listen to me, I am here. there’s no need for you to feel this way.”
sometimes i feel so stupid when God has to remind me time and again to let Him do the work. it’s happened countless times and i honestly don’t know when i’m gonna finally learn to truly let God be God because ultimately, He is God and I am not.

Amen.

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
PSALM 30:11

so bad at this

just realised that my mom kept all my pe shirts/skirts/shorts. and i just saw them when i opened up the cupboard to get out a plastic folder. for some strange reason, i felt like crying. this morning, while dragging my feet to the busstop, i happened to walk pass a pe lesson out on the field and i remembered how we used to have so much fun screaming and not adhering to the actual rules of the game. then we’d whip out a camera and take countless pictures. sweaty and late, we’d then proceed to our next lesson pretending to dread it when we knew we’d always be there for each other and no matter what lesson it was, it’d be fun. now it’s different; not one familiar face, no pe lessons, no inside jokes, …the list could go on but i’m just making myself dread tomorrow more. Oh God, please help me let go. (tomorrow is gonna be a long day- 9am-8pm.) i feel so out of place… like i don’t belong and i want so badly to leave this place. (”Oh You bring hope to the hopeless and light to those in the darkness”)

MERCY SAID NO

Mercy said no
I’m not gonna let you go
I’m not gonna let you slip away
You don’t have to be afraid
Mercy said no
sin will never ever take control
Life and death stood face to face
Darkness tried to steal my heart away
Thank You Jesus, Mercy said no

my dad is so much better than your dad

i kinda realised that my daddy created the universe, placed the stars in the sky, made the grass green, made trees sway in the wind and basically made everysinglething around me. mind-boggling doncha think? there is a perpetual grin that i can’t seem to wipe off my face as i type out this entry.
He’s the very reason that my fingers have the strength to press down on each and every letter i need to type out this entry on this keyboard, the reason that i’m sitting up, the reason that i’m breathing. (excuse me as i marvel at these “little things”) He’s the reason i was just able to furrow my eyebrows, the reason i was able to blink. it seems crazy just thinking about it. my dad did all this.

more that that, He’s given me more than enough strength to overcome incredible odds and to deal with stuff we humans have to deal with. With Him around, there is a reason for everything. (my life belongs to You forever) just to think that i’ll be spending ETERNITY with Him just makes me wanna jump for joy at…2am in the morning. (i live yet another day to sing Your praises, oh God.)

some people wonder why i love my Father so much “when all He’s been bringing into my life is hardship”. i can boldly say that my Father works only for the good of me and He definitely did not bring about any suffering because i am incredibly joyous and above all happiness, i am free forever. All my Father has brought me are blessings upon blessing and i am eternally grateful. in fact, i have learned so much from ‘fallingdown’ that each experience could very well be considered as a blessing in its own way. whatever the case, there is a reason for EVERYTHING and let me encourage you to look to the Lord, no matter what the trial is. for He understands. (personally, i’ve found that He’s a better listener than even a best girlfriend)

so yeah that kinda sums up why my dad is so wonderfully AWESOME!! (coolest dad around, if i may add)

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY PAPI, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

and we’ll all bow down; kings will surrender their crowns

you know it feels totally awful to be persecuted by your own family. i’ve been utterly blessed these past few years from feeding on the message of grace but my parents choose to see it as an act of rebellion. tonight, my mother said some stuff i hope she doesn’t mean. she told me she wanted me to fail, but that’s besides the point. tonight, i am overwhelmed by His peace. so overwhelmed that everything seems irrelevant, even what my own mother said to me just now. i am an heir of the king! i am an heir of the king! (it’s funny to think that i’m now somewhat grounded because i go to church.) i’ve always known that my parents treated my differently from my siblings; they’re harder on me, harsher with words(even though i’m a girl). but you know what, it really really doesn’t matter. my Daddy God loves me and that’s all that matters to me now. the Lord is my strength and He’s been so awesome and always there. right now i see Him smiling and constantly reminding me that it will be okay, i love that although He’s so amazingly glorious, my father is also incredibly gentle. “lie down in my hands, my child. i love You”. it’s words like these that he whispers into my ear that keep me going all the way.
what my earthly parents cannot give me, He more than compensates for. He’s the only one that tells me He’s proud of me when i feel like a failure. He’s the only one that assures me that things are gonna be okay when i’m down. He’s the only one that understands when i feel out of place. (even though it seems like i’m so alone, i feel so so so incredibly blessed) this is the love of God.

i’m smiling to myself but i don’t feel the least bit foolish. just because my God, He loves me so. just because i know there’s someone so extremely proud of me this very moment. just because i know that He will NEVER let any weapon formed against me prosper. just because His promises are so true. HE’S AWESOME AND HE’S REAL AND HE’S ALIVE IN YOU AND ME. that’s a reason to celebrate, a reason to worship.

today i was blessed by someone who thinks so little of me. i will look to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever. He promises me victory and so why should i dwell on that a mere mortal says i am. HE IS GOD, in His books, i am already victorious. God, this battle is Yours to fight, i lift it up to You.

sing praise, sing praise

amen )’:

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
PSALM 23:4

TERM TESTS

The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need. PSALM 23:1

NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPERRRRRRRR. (the Lord is my hero, my strength in this time of need, my everything.)

oh Father, i need the strength, the willpower, the determination. with tests looming(next week omg) idk why i’m still playing around. it’s already bad enough that i didn’t take poa but i don’t even seem to be trying to catch up with the class.(but self-effort will take me no where. LORD SHOW ME YOUR WAY!!!!!!!!!!) urghhhh

ever i will seek You

cuz all You are is all i want;
always.

it’s been about four months since i last felt this way. i don’t understand how i let my pride blur my vision, i don’t understand how i actually thought i was living it all for You when i clearly let You down in the biggest way possible. but i’m thankful, Father, that each time my ego is expanding at an exponential rate, You break me, You remind me of how You are the ONLY way. and today, though i am disappointed (it’s funny how i thought that my plans were God’s plans), i know that You work for the good of all Your children. you know it’s funny how each time something like this happens, i know FOR SURE that my God is a God of wonders, that He is the only God and that He truly is a real God, a Father that will never disappoint; the only ever constant figure in my life.

i know that i will always be good enough in my Daddy’s eyes. i know that He will always hold my hand as we walk (no matter how big a kid i may be). i know that He keeps all my tears in a bottle. i know that He hurts each time i hurt. i know that no matter what stupid things i may do, that He’d always ALWAYS ALWAYS be proud of me. i know He’ll always be there to cheer me on in whatever i choose to pursue. i know that He’s right next to me now as this tear drop reaches the ground. i know that He’s always there when i need a hug. i know that He’s always there when i need reassurance. i know that He’ll be there for me each step of the way because this is getting tough. (i no longer want to fake a smile and pretend that everything’s alright when it’s clearly not. my Father has sent me out into the battlefield, seemingly alone, but armed with the most powerful of weapons– GRACE, God’s most merciful, beautiful, amazing grace)

it’s quite funny how although what happened 4 months ago clearly warranted many, many bawling sessions… it never really did hit me that hard. and this time, though it clearly pales in comparison in terms of reasons worth feeling sad, i actually feel that i’ve learned much more from it. well God is unpredictable, i can assure you of that. but i am thankful. oh, i feel so loved.